I am discovering in new ways my personal limitations, fears, and a need for tight control. Bit by bit I had been chipping away at my self, my individual self, my group self, to today where I discover that I can stand in a much less anxious and control-needed body, mind and heart. ‘Chipping away’ to me meant, concerted, planned, directed, controlled, etc.
Chipping isn’t working anymore because I can feel that I am discovering an internal softness that won’t respond to chipping. It responds more to the softening that we’ve been encouraged to practice and feel. An allowing, a dissolving; huh… dis-solving… I don’t need to solve the tightness I discover in my mind, in my body, in my heart… just let it go.
The characteristic of ‘letting go’ I used to think or anticipate it as being a ‘dramatic’ internal event. I didn’t experience ‘letting go’ in context of my environment. It was a personal event to solve personal problems. Now I am seeing myself, feeling myself in context in contact with my environment, whether it be a nature physical or a social relational environment.
Now I begin to get a sense of the characteristic of ‘natural’, as an expression from the inside; letting it happen, letting my self happen, letting the environment happen. The phrase “are you the kind of person who salts their food before tasting it” has been coming into my mind. I realize that I was that kind of person but now I’m trying not to ‘salt’ my practice, not trying to ‘salt’ my being in the world before I taste it.
I keep coming back to reflections on Wong Ling Goon and his story of transformation.
